When I'm Alone
by Inanis Incedeco
Summary: When Merrill is away, Hawke can't help but think about her.
1. Hawke

_Author's Note:_ _Was prompted for me on Tumblr: Your OTP_ _' (Female Amell/Leliana, Female Hawke/Merrill, Male Trevelyan/Josephine)_ _is separated from one another and spend time daydreaming about their other half._ _I already did Amell and Leliana, so this one's Hawke and Merrill. Trevelyan and Josie are next._

 _To any readers of Become the Beast: Taking a tiny hiatus from that story. Chapter 7 covers the events of Here Lies the Abyss, but I need to replay that part of the game, which is about another ten hours of gameplay away from my current playthrough. Sorry for any inconvinence._

 _If you wish to prompt me with any stories,_ _please_ _feel free to leave a review, send me a PM, or search for greyassassin24 on Tumblr and click on the prompts tab._

I prop my legs up on the coffee table in my living room, weighing my cup of piping hot tea in my hands and sinking into my strong, cushy chair and enjoying the roaring fireplace in front of me, the chill of a cold Kirkwall night melting away.

Perfect. Except maybe for Merrill's absence.

Maker, I always miss her so much at about this time of day, just like clockwork. Even though she's moved in, I don't think that she considers this her home yet. All she's brought over here is that adorable little Anthurium flower that she keeps on our nightstand.

Almost every morning she leaves to go and work on her mirror, and I usually don't see her until after sundown once she goes. Maker's breath, I almost feel like I have to make an appointment to see my beloved, having to tell her the day beforehand if I want to have dinner with her or take her with me to go and fill some mission or other. More than once I've deliberately taken her with me even when I didn't need the help, just to see my little sweetheart.

Maker, I love her so much. She's... perfect. How someone could be so utterly amazing is quite beyond me. She's fiercely intelligent, optimistic, sweet, caring, compassionate... not to mention the most adoring, devoted lover I could ever have dreamed off, not to mention had.

And utterly, utterly drop-dead gorgeous. What with her cute cheekbones, that adorable little stature, those intricate tattoos that run all down her body...

I shake my head free of such thoughts, saving them for when she comes home. The tea is still much too hot for drinking, but it feels lovely just sitting in the palm of my hand, emanating heat.

I wonder if Dad would ever have approved of me and Merrill. Probably not, he hated Blood Magic vehemently, and taught me and Bethany to detest the stuff and never so much as think about it, lest it's power drive us to unspeakable acts of selfishness and cruelty and, until I met her, I thought he was right. All I'd ever seen was evidence that the power of Blood Magic drove it's users mad.

But Merrill's nothing at all like that. She's done everything in her power to reduce the dangers of her magic as much as she possibly can, save for stopping altogether, and she's only ever used it to restore her people's history, as well as last-ditch self-defence when we're fighting for our lives. Perhaps that's that single most remarkable thing about her: I'm absolutely certain her demons have offered her unimaginable power in exchange for her mind, but she's ever used it for any personal gain whatsoever, instead using it to protect and preserve. After seeing that from her, I don't believe that there's such a thing as intrinsically evil power, just power that people use for themselves.

Just then I hear keys jingling in the locks on the door, and I set my tea aside, standing up. Considering that mom's upstairs and everyone else is asleep, there's only one person it could be. Her.

And sure enough, in comes my beloved Dalish elf, her hair frazzled and her clothes dirtied and soiled, and the wildest smile on her face. "Ma Vhenan!" She cries, hucking the set of keys in the bowl on the table beside the door. "You would _not_ believe what happened to me on the way home! I saw the cutest little family of kittens in the Alienage, but when I stopped to see them, I must have scared the little baby kitten because he went running off into Darktown when I did, and so I went chasing after him to bring him back to his family, and when I caught him I couldn't remember the way back out, so I just started wandering. Did you know that there's a place down there where they race dogs? I don't know why, it just seems silly to me but somehow I wound up on the track when their race was starting, and I was standing in the middle of it with a baby kitten in my arms, so I just had to outrun the dogs behind me, and..." She blushed when she turned back to me from having set down her staff. "I'm rambling, sorry."

I smiled and wrap my arms around her. "Sounds like you had a full day."

She giggled and hugs me back, burying her head on my shoulders. "Oh, I haven't even gotten to the part where I got into the Grand Cleric's Airing cupboard!"

I throw my head back and laugh. "How in the world did you do that?"

"I don't know!" Her voice is excited and there's a wide smile on her face, her happiness is practically bounding her off the balls of her feet, and I smile as she stands on her little tiptoes to kiss me on the nose. "But it was exciting!"

I swear my smile is about to break my face, and I take her hand in mine. "Well, come here. I have some tea that you can have while you tell me all about it, and then maybe we'll have to get you into the bath."

Merrill smiles and takes my hand, following me into the front hall. "Only if you'll share with me."

I turn on my heel and kiss her.

"Obviously."


	2. Merrill

I open the cute little door that leads to the balcony on the side of Haw- Our house. Creators, I'm still not used to thinking about it like that. _Our_ house.

I pull up one of those adorable little elf sized chairs that my sweet Adrianne bought just for me, the only place in the whole city where my feet can touch the floor.

Well, except for those chairs that Varric keeps in the Hanged Man. That's the only time in my life where I actually felt tall for once. It was actually a nice change.

I take a bite out of one of these little bread thingies I've been eating all day... what did Adrianne call them? Something with an S... Scones? Yes, that was it. I've been snacking on them since this morning, and now the sun is setting but I still have three or four left, she made so many for me. When I woke up this morning, she had already left to go and do this or that, something about meeting with Aveline, but she left me breakfast and an adorable little note that she wrote for me:

 _I just want you too remember that you make me the happiest woman in Thedas, and that you are the most wonderful woman who ever lived._

It was even all decorated with hearts just like she always does when she writes for me. She's so cute.

Gods above, I miss her so much whenever she's gone. This whole place resonates of her: Sitting on a chair _she_ bought for me, in the house that _she_ toiled for, eating the breakfast that _she_ made for me. Everything here reminds me of her. Even the little birdies singing their songs reminds me of how I love listening to them while I hold her, early in the morning before she wakes up.

It's still hard for me to believe that I somehow managed to get her, even after all of these years. She's so completely and utterly perfect, in every single way. She is beautiful, and clever, and so very, very kind. Just yesterday she gave ten sovereigns to a starving elf family, without knowing them at all or anything. I don't think I've ever met anyone who would do that.

How did she every fall in love with me? Even though she hates hearing it, I know that she could do better than me. She could have her choice of anyone in the whole of the Free Marches, and I'm no one special. I'm just a silly elf girl who doesn't quite know what she's doing with a mirror that she doesn't understand, even after all of these years. I'm the failed First, the Dalish pariah, and she's the Champion of Kirkwall.

I still don't understand why she married me, what she sees in me. I'm not sure I ever will. It's been two years, two-hundred and seventy-five days since we married, and five years and twenty-seven days since we first made love to one another. For more than five years, she's made me the happiest elf in the entire world.

I don't deserve her. Creators, but I don't. Even if I live another hundred thousand years, I will never be able to do enough to have earned her love, her soft kisses in the sunshine, the way she holds my hand late at night when she's asleep...

I'm not sure that anyone ever could deserve her.

"Long day?"

I jump when I hear her voice, my plate clattering to the table next to me. For a moment I think I imagined it, but I whip around in my chair and, sure enough, there stands my heart, leaning in the open doorway.

"Ma Vhenan!" I cry, feeling my heart swell in happiness seeing my sweetheart. I stand rather abruptly, my chair making that awful screeching sound across the floor, but I don't find much reason to care. My Hawke is home!

I practically run to her, and she pushes herself off of the wall with a smile. For a moment, I wonder how long she was watching me, but the thought is gone as soon as it comes as I throw my arms around her, enveloping my wife in a warm hug, making her laugh.

"I missed you so much!" I proclaim happily, nuzzling her. "I'm so happy you're home."

"Me too." She gives a nod, returning my hug and burying her head in my hair, our bodies sliding together like two pieces of a puzzle. "Sorry, my darling. It's been... a very long day."

I pull back a little, studying her face. "Are you alright?" I whisper, noticing the dark lines under her eyes for the first time. Gods, I should have noticed them right away.

She nods, but I don't believe her. The way she moves, the way her smile is so small, the crease on her forehead... Creators, how can someone with such a big heart be put through so much pain?

I think for a moment, before pressing my forehead to hers and giving her the gentlest kiss I have, and I can feel her smile widen, just a little.

"I'm sorry." I murmur, leaving my forehead against hers like two swans. A moment later, I pull back and meet her eyes, giving her my best serious expression. "Alright, my heart. I'm going to forbid you from leaving again tonight."

She smiles that wicked smile, and I instantly feel better for having made her smile. "Is that so?" She clasps her hand in mine as she speaks in her teasing voice, making me giggle. "And what, pray tell, do you have planned for this evening that is so important it requires my full attention?"

"I'm going to make you feel better, silly." I kiss her again, very gently.

She gives a happy sigh, and hold me closer.

"I already do."


End file.
